“…when we say “infidelity,” what exactly do we mean? Is it a hook-up, a love story, paid sex, a chat room, a massage with a happy ending?
An affair — it brings together the three key elements: a secretive relationship, which is the core structure of an affair; an emotional connection to one degree or another; and a sexual alchemy. And alchemy is the key word here, because the erotic frisson is such that the kiss that you only imagine giving, can be as powerful and as enchanting as hours of actual lovemaking.
As Marcel Proust said, it’s our imagination that is responsible for love, not the other person.
Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy. Affairs are way less about sex, and a lot more about desire: desire for attention, desire to feel special, desire to feel important. And the very structure of an affair, the fact that you can never have your lover, keeps you wanting. That in itself is a desire machine, because the incompleteness, the ambiguity, keeps you wanting that which you can’t have.”
Affairs are “in love” stories – it is a feeling I am terrified of, since it completely shuts down all sense of reason and logic, blinds you, often fools you to fool yourself that you know what you are doing and that your train of thoughts is actually based on solid arguments.
The secrecy of an affair is not at all alluring, but it is an ingredient that keeps you wanting and coming for more. Emotions run wild and you often confuse wild with deep, when the best thing would be to pray that you hurry up and get over it before it damages you too much.
The sexual alchemy of an affair is the most amazing and maddening experience you can have and from this angle of approach alone, each and every one of us should go through it. It’s of an intensity for which there are no words to describe it: think of dizziness, butterflies in your stomach, running out of breath, seeing actual stars when kissing, tumbling down a high speed spiral when touching… ALL of these at the same time!
And when all of the above are over and distance keeps you apart, memories serve to boost imagination and experience a yearning that is yet again expressed physically: you can actually feel heat waves merely by the power of thought and a few well-placed words. Such a powerful, simple trigger.
In an affair imagination is responsible for falling in love with the feelings you experience, triggered by the other person, not with that person necessarily. If after all of the above you still are able to retain a shred of objectivity, you can see all those traits you actually don’t like in the one you so desire. The downside is that most of the times you don’t actually care.
An affair is so selfishly about you and you alone that the two can actually be synonyms.
An affair isn’t justified by excuses, but it has a solid background that should never be ignored: it is the effect of your own searches, discoveries, needs, frustrations, changes that you go through or should go through and it is so much more about you and how you are denying yourself, than about the person you are cheating on.
An affair is always a loss: you lose the old you, you lose your place in an old relationship, you lose a fantasy eventually.
But it is also a gain.
Life is yours.
People are selfish.