„What if you fall in love with me?”

„I guess if it happens, I will be lucky to feel that again, no matter the outcome.”

Oh darling, but what if instead of falling in love with you, just meeting you is my cure from feeling numb? What if we party like I’m 23  – although I assure you, despite your best efforts to make me admit differently, I really am 32. What if you are the most handsome 20 something year old guy I’ve ever kissed? What if you remind me of the careless mornings in college when all I had to do to get over a one night stand was to go out with the next one?

What if feeling your flawless skin on mine fills me with a satisfaction close to the effects of hallucinogenic pills? What if your sense of humor gets tattooed on my mind, leaving it tortured by the nostalgia of our conversations? What if I don’t fall in love, but get to relive how it felt to be years younger, scoring the best guy in the club?

If that happens darling, I will have to face every lie I tell myself trying to stop time. I would give up searching for every drop of adrenaline I can find in my everyday life and settle for other people’s oceans of routine. I would look you up online and find out the girl standing next to you now is someone I could never be again. A 20 year old.

If that happens darling, I would not wait for your call more than believing the impossible lets me to. I would never text you again, and we would never give each other funny comebacks again. I would never get the chance to know you, but live with the regret that I was not 24 when I met you. I would move on, trying to erase you from my memories along with the insignificant encounter we had, that placed a mirror in front of my soul and made me see myself for who I really am, someone so different from others. I would try to figure out which path to take when there is no one leading the way. I would probably go on living in reverse, walking through the familiar crossroads from my own Neverland, ignoring the gap I build myself everyday with the present.

I would think about your perfect features and never ending energy on random Wednesdays. I would turn up the music while trying to fill your absence in the room. And along with it, my soul.

I would feel all that, and I will wish to trade it all anytime just to feel a simple heartbreak. Because you see, the truth is not in what actually happens to us, but in what it tells us about who we really are. And that my friend, is the true heartbreak.

What if I fall in love with you? That, darling, would be a walk in the park.

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